3.05am. I woke up in the middle of the night to write this. How unprecedented.
How to die.
As we grow older, we cannot help but accumulate more experiences of other people dying. And dying is so ... personal. what do I want that I can wake up in the middle of the night to pen this down?
I want dignity on how I want to go - not to be dictated by others who think this or that is good or bad for me. Hence to be lucid and maintain ability of thought and communication is important. When I am dying, I am not an exhibit to visit. I am likely to look terrible so outsider visits will likely be burdensome. If we have not met for the last 6 months, maybe there is little value of you occupying space beside my last months and days.
Please do not give me words of encouragement like "when you are better, we can travel etc etc”, trying to tug at my heartstrings to maintain strength for your sake when I should be preparing and building courage to leave. You make me feel like I have failed you and it is on me to be brave and stay strong. Just provide comfort and support me going through a difficult process.
There is a 100% certainty of us dying. Maybe suddenly, maybe a long dragged out illness, maybe peacefully in sleep. Even if I were to die abruptly, I will like to believe people I truly love would have received all of my love while I was alive. I would have shown love enough for you to feel no regrets so even when I die, you would already feel fulfilled and unburdened by my suddenly lack of affection. You are complete when my time runs out. If I have not shown you that, maybe you are not that important to me… let it go after I am gone.
After I die, now I come to terms that the wake and all that are for the benefit of the living… I am no longer around so I no longer matter… however the living wants to ease their guilt or extend their peace. lily says the soul only leaves the body after 49 days...
