Depression

I was pondering over the title of the previous blog - The Truth and Nothing but the Truth... many people who read the blog told me it was really funny and all are happy that I am doing well... Lets just say "the real truth" changes with the ever changing situation that is Life.

Blogging/writing let me sort out my thoughts. I need to rationalise every event from the overwhelming soup in my brain to make writing make sense. Hence as I write, I feel more cheerful knowing that all my problems have been compartmentalised and simplified. From the time I start a blog to the time I finish/post (which may be days later), my mood may already be different from the content. You dont actually want to read about me whine and getting all emo rite?

Being a new mother is mentally and physically tough. No woman other than those who very recently delivered before you will tell you that. Talk to mothers of older kids on difficulty you encounter, their answers will usually be "no leh, I dont have that problem leh". Either these experienced mums have long forgotten what it feels like or .. or watever.... It is distressing and in comparison makes struggling mums like me feel starkly incompetent. Having a new baby is like being thrown into the deep sea which you have to work out how to survive. I worry about Megan not drinking enough, worry about me not producing enough milk to meet her demand, worry about me having enough milk but maybe I am not feeding her properly hence I am taking this long and she continues to cry... try and error try and error.

Breastfeeding Megan is indeed a wonderful bonding experience I value and when its not working well, I actually feel like a failure. Breastfeeding is demanding, time consuming, tiring and difficult difficult difficult. The whole world conspire against non breastfeeding mothers or maybe people like me just feel the guilt of not doing enough.... only good friends will tell u its ok, that kids who grow up with formula are good and healthy as well. only good friends will tell you they face exactly the same difficulties as you, try slowly. Breastfeeding is not without pain. Breast massage before feeding is not without pain. Breast engorgement is not without pain. Pumping is not without pain....

Days with rashes are killing me. They spread with such ferociousity that it is no use pretending to be calm about it. I was desperate for a cure for my itch but every bloodly doctor told me its hormonal and there is nothing to be done so I shall not be a whiner and suck it in... My daily comfort of post nat massage sessions on my ever aching body have to discontinue because massage makes the rashes spread even faster.... As fast as my "disease" come, life's little comforts are taken away from me.... It is hard not to feel depressed...

I am worried about my possible immune system malfunction. It may be a passing phrase or alter my life forever. At this moment I only want my itch and rashes to subside to lift my moods.

A Chinese confinement is not the easiest thing to go through even in a home resort. Well meaning restrictions like no showering, eating only a small range of vegetables, lean pork and pork's kidney, liver and stomach and fish ONLY for the first 12 days, covering up to prevent catching wind etc.. It is not that any single thing is very hard to do or that I disagree with doing them. But when bundled all of them together plus a C sec wound, itchy rashes, fatigue, leaking breasts, blood discharges, managing a baby and movement restricted to an apartment... YES confinement is not easy to go through at all...

Focus on the positive, Everything will pass...

Every small practical tip is a comfort and very much needed. SC has been good to me on this. She will tell me things like this is Megan's expression when she is going to do this. This is how to calm her down... Such is real help I need to build up my confidence to handle the situation.

Friends I have made in the past years became very important source of support. Been there done that friends like B & Stacey are my mental support on a daily basis. I want them to know I need them so much. Con and Andria show me what friends are for in times of need. Others sms and mail frequently to tell me they love me.

I believe I was quite depressed for the past week but I believe I am getting out of it. Post nat depression is very real. Look deeper into a humorous blog on breastfeeding and you can see stress tucked in every paragraph. New mothers to be... relax and chill, dont take things too hard or keep things in...New fathers to be, handle a post nat mother tenderly and brace yourself for hard times as she needs you every support.

The Lactating Cow

Breastfeeding - the primary preoccupation of a new mum deserves a whole chapter on its own... SO! Hear the two week old lactating cow speak! Mothers, doctors, nurses who breastfeed or who promote total breastfeeding are like keen members of an obessive cult with a mission to recruit more likeminded members or to influence/ brainwash freethinker new mothers. Hearing successful breastfeeding mums with a halo above their heads share their wonderful experiences and looking at their glowing happy faces reminds me of the holy saints of multi-level marketing companies or charismic priests of churches with open arms saying " come, join me..."... scary.... very scary.... where is the shrine that I need to pray to?

Well, I am not for or against breastfeeding. I think its certainly better than formula milk so I try to do it. This is the story of my on/off success. Please prepare your tissue paper while reading my struggles...

First breastfeeding was Day Two in KK. Not bad for the first few times... then OH NO.... unsuccessful, Megan is still hungry. For those who have no idea on the process of breastfeeding, let me introduce you to this ancient science. KK recommends feeding on demand and as the name suggest - offer your breast when baby cries. Done correctly, baby should cry for milk every 2-3 hrs. Offer your right breast for 15-20 mins then left breast. Repeat this process in the next 2-3 hrs.

Instructions are simple and clear cut, wait till you actually start! The few unsuccessful times, I feed to exhaustion and Megan still cries for milk. I actually had her glued to my breasts for almost 2 hrs before she is satisfied and willing to sleep. I remember Lx waiting outside for me to finish and commended that I am the champion breast for lactating this long. I corrected him that it took me 2 hrs to do a 30mins job so its not what he thinks... Immdiately he downgraded me from Champion Breast to Underperforming Breast.

I still presevere for breastfeeding. Somewhere down the road, to breastfeed becomes a MUST. Oh no, I am influenced by the cult... The feeling is quite intense. The other time I have such "have to do it" emotion must be when I was rescuing the damn victim from the seabed and during surfacing saw our dive boat anchored far far away. Its a long way to tow and my victim take her role as a drowned swimmer REALLY seriously. Give up now and scream for the dive instructor to rescue the rescuer and wake my victim up? I have dived hard for the past days and in a few more days I will get my licence. Damn.... better to continue towing the fat pig. I CAN DO IT. I MUST.... Yes, this is exactly how I feel about breastfeeding... keep trying, it will pass, just establish my feeding routine... I CAN, MUST, HAVE TO.

Back home with Megan. Complication of the human factor. This time its the NURSES verses the CONFINEMENT LADY. Round One FIGHT! Nurses strongly recommend total breastfeeding and no supplementing with formula. Dont use tit bottles or else baby will prefer that to your nipples. Confinement lady subtly say "already not enough milk still dun give supplement, baby is hungry and will keep crying/ cant sleep properly at length...

Just think, other than the mother, who will actually insist on the very difficult process of total breastfeeding day and nite, 40 mins each session, 2-3hrs intervals? And that is when you are a very successful lactating cow which I am not. Confinement lady is not wrong.. hey I have a human relation to manage for a month as well... ok, supplement plus please take over the 3am shift as well so I dont need to wake up so many times in the nite. Confinement Lady WINS!

More complication - rashes

The rashes on my skin suddenly moths into wide circles and within 3 days spread from my thights down to my toes and up to my face. My entire body became enveloped in rashes which are inflamed and itchy. I literally feel like a leper. In the past 2 weeks, many gynes have seen the rashes but all dismiss it as homonal and that it will subside on its own. I mean, what can I say when you dish out the homone card right? Only when we brought Megan to see Vincent for her cheft did he stopped and seriously examine the mother of his patient. "this is not right, ah di boy say its homones? Then you are allergic to Megan.. hahahah...possible you know... hey but serious, you should see a derm"


Skin center was closed for the weekend, we rushed down to KK's 24 hrs women's clinic coz Ken can tell u I was certainly lapsing in and out of depression. If I am not scratching my entire body causing many areas to bleed, I have fatigue setting in with conjoined Megan/ breast and still not achieving lactation success. For me to get more rest, more bottlefeeding were given to Megan and I see my milk production dwindle and Megan preferring the bottle. If I do not feed, eventually I will stop producing milk. Catch 22. Every tiny comment about my milk production stressed me out and reduced me to tears if I am not throwing a tantrum already... I am certainly stressed and depressed... My low point in life just got lower.


Round Two. STRESS verses BREASTFEEDING. FIGHT! Er... stress dun play fair since it totally handicap milk production so there is no real fight.... nevertheless - Stress WINS!
Back to KK, this time the doctor was horrified quoting that they never have such a terrible case before. In the doc's exact words, this is too serious and beyond KK and gyne's scope, please head down to skin center as an emergency patient. You cant blame me for being pissed. so many medical professionals dismiss my rashes as trival and now they tell me its too serious for them to handle?! Lucky for me, there is always the dependable Con. She gave me Dr Loke's contacts and we rushed down to see the Derm. Old Loke says I am suffering from a rare case of immune system breakdown... actual cause is unknown. A few suspects - painkiller from KK (told to stop... lucky I hav no real need for those), high level of stress (the start and peak of the rashes tally with my high stress periods.


"I cannot think of another way... I am going to give u a high steriod base medicine and in high dosage for 5 days to quickly bring this down, it will give u gastric and keep u awake at nite. You have to stop breastfeeding"... AH DUH..... ROUND THREE- RASHES verses BREASTFEEDING. FIGHT! Rashes WIN and win hands down!


Lets tally our score - COMPLICATIONS-3, BREASTFEEDING-0. COMPLICATIONS WIN!
Aiyah but all mothers still want the best for the child so I will still like to breastfeed if possible. This period of time, I will practise Pump and Dump to at least keep my underperforming breast lactating... Now Now Now, where is the shrine again?

The First Few Days - The whole truth and nothing but the truth

"Cherish every moment because they are very precious. " - B.

I m writing this blog to remind myself of all these moments - its less than a week and i m already forgetting many wonderful episodes which I would kill to record for life.

During breastfeeding, Megan will sometimes exhibit the most innocent eyes, looking keenly from me to the surrounding and back. It is a look that melts my heart but hey wait a min, that is her signature innocent look when she is guilty of something. When she does that, it is almost a certainity that she is going to poo big time while suckerling. After which she will give us a most satisfied coy smile and expect us to clear up her mess..

Our first non assisted poo poo experience was hilarious (in hindsight). Megan was doing her room in and halfway through her feeding, I smell poo and since I am nursing a wound and cannot move around (yeah!), I pass this first diaper changing task to Ken. My god, it was A LOT of poo.... Disgust aside, Megan was already crying and we went into panic. Ken removed the soiled diaper and threw it onto the floor and in frenzy start wiping her butt with wet tissues (throwing very used item onto the floor as well... a baby cot is only this big for so many items rite?!). I was screaming at him for wiping the shit in the wrong direction which may cause infection for Megan... More panic... Ken ran to press the button for the nurse.... too much shit everywhere, cannot finish wiping....Megan cried louder... no nurse came (Sabo us big time - they were usually prompt. cheat us with their sales pitch)... more panic... where is the new diaper?... more things fell on the floor... "dear how to wear the diaper? which side is front?"..."er.. the wings sides in front... ok not sure... try wing side front... oh shit! No? ok opp side?".... CRY!!!!!!!! After an eternality, we were saved by the nurse.

Ken also made one extremely important contribution - naming and renaming Megan. We were fixed on the chinese name Loh Rui Bin months before.... But the very night before the operation, Ken crawled into bed around 11plus and told me "we got a problem". The teochew pronouncation of Rui Bin is Swee Ping aka sweeping. "The other kids in school will laugh at Megan... gotta change"... So how did we manage to conjour out a new name within our 2 days hectic life in ward 81 bed 25?

Introducing the chinese fortune teller shop on L1 of KK.

For $128, the master will propose to you a selection of chinese characters that will best suit the child based on her ba zhi. The name will take into consideration the character stroke count, avoid words that clash with her seniors in the family, and compliment plus compenstate for her 5 elements.... the package includes a detailed explaination of the meaning of the chosen name and a general forecast of her life ahead. Gee... Oh we actually only paid $120 because KK gave us a $8 voucher to offset the service. PLUS you are entitled to some AIA insurance package at a discount of sorts. Wow.... Roll EyeBall now... Despite all the roll eyeball tactic, the master's proposed characters are actually pretty cool. His recommended characters are not the commonly used ones and they have deep meaning... errr.. actually I cant really read half of the text. ok 60%... FINE... 70%... its times like these when you want to kick yourself for not learning more mandarin.... (so how do I know how to pronounce the words and their meaning? - Peizhi lah... still number one). All in all, I rolled my eyeball, bought into the service and am a happy customer. Megan's chinese name is now Loh Hui En.

Confinement Help.

Everyone, you need as much help as you can get. The best people to help are parents and a good confinement lady. In my case, they are both my inlaws and SC, a lady from malaysia. SC was recommended to me by our GE agent and I can tell u, I am a cool mother simply because SC did such a good job looking after Megan and me. There are many food I dislike - kidney for example but that happens to be one key ingredient. My inlaws already did a good job frying it with ginger to mask the taste but SC manage to make them more tasty even wo heavy flavors. Her food is good and their job is really not easy.They work 24 hrs for 28 days in a row in a stranger's home, facilitaing the whole process till  our house feels like a confinement resort. On top of the job requirements, SC really dotes on Megan. It did not take me long to realise that other than recuperating/blogging/ enjoying life in this home resort, I need to quickly tap into SC's skills and learn as much as possible in this one month.

My inlaws were the greatest help. There are just so many bits and pieces to do. Our place is not equipped for a new mum in confinement, much less for a new born. My fridge is not stocked with "real food" per say... Yah ice-cream, chocolates & drinks aplenty. Herbbs, red dates, fungus, chicken, pork, fish... sorry. My FIL also took to be our driver, fetching us for our various checkups. My MIL was also so busy that on some days, her hair was dislevelled. Trust me, THAT is a rare sight...

On the forth day, Megan makes a trip to the Polyclinic to check for jaundice. With a baby in tow, we attracted a different kind of crowd - the grandmas! They walked pass, glanced at Megan, went "so cute!!!" then lingered at lennnngth to chat with you on the topic of grandchildren and babies. The lingo used to describe babies are worth compiling into a book. "My granddaughter is only 2.6kg at birth, so small, the head is only an orange.", "aiyoh, my grandson worse, 26 week, only 1 kg, the size of a black chicken in the market, so heartpain..."

Cant imagine Megan has high jaundice level when she looks so pink. We need to suntan the kid.

Ok SC frowniing that I am sitting here blogging so I better go lie down and sleep.... next time my friends!

The Final Lap and the Big Day

Megan remains beech so a Cesarean date was scheduled - 18th Nov 2010. I am unsure if I was disappointed or relief at the news but with such certainty of a day and time, I feel a reassurance and control which I have not felt before. one point for C sec.

The last few days leading up to 18th was bad. Developed flu, cough and slight fever. To add insult to this new development, I started some dumb homonal changes and broke out in severe rashes... itching like there was no tomorow. From a cool preggie, I degraded into some miserable irritable wretch who looks and feel diseased. This must be some low points in my life.

Never been through an operation before plus a super low pain treshold, I grew nervous and anxious as days closed in. An unscheduled re-check up on the 16th @KK calmed my nerves. My gyne was not available but what a detailed check the nurses n doc on duty gave me. This trip convinced me that KK is the best choice we could have ever made. Not that Mt E is no good, but KK is a true blue power house with countless professional and knowledgeable staff. My heart is at ease.
0630hrs of 18th, we brought a lot of barang to check in - Mac(internet!! a must), PSP, games (Love the new Patapon game for me! PATA PATA PATA PON!!! PON PON PATA PON!!! FEVER!!!), books, clothes, nice toiletries.... u got to be asking - what were we thinking!?? Sorry first time... They may not be relevant to the situation but the effort and heart that goes into building up the excitment of going for an adventure camp calm stray nerves and make the hospital stay mentally very enticing.
Like all good hotels, we checked directly into our Ward 81, Bed 25... which is also furnished like a hotel room (37 inch LCD TV, minibar, wardrobe, safe etc). Congregations of day and night shift midwifes and nurses came to introduce themselves and prepare/ brief me on what is to come while he was taken to another room to change into surgery gown to witness the event. Lets say, service and staff to guest ratio is in the five star range. I feel good already.
In the operation theatre, I was prepared to freak out during epidural injection but surprisingly it is painless. Naked and numb from chest down, they blocked my view to where the action will take place. Kinda surreal when a young medical intern appeared from nowhere saying "hi. how are u feeling.." to me. He like me must be the most awarkard pple in the room with nothing to do. Difference is I am a paralysed slab on the table and he keeps hovering in/out of my view. "Hi, u ok? ... Hi.." He must have greeted me like these a few times.
It was only after a nurse exclaimed " shouldn't someone bring the husband in?" did poor Ken get to arrive at the scene. He later admited he felt service to him was quite unVIP. Honestly with all decked out in face masks green suites and me without glasses, I cant see really make out which is Ken. Hovering intern can jolly well be ken - also wearing glasses. I was just beginning to do my mental preparation for the slice when suddenly everyone started congratulating me, starting from THE intern of coz. "I can see Megan now" was what I heard from man on the left- apparently my husband. Wow, it was over before I knew it started! Wow... how much did I pay for these few seconds? Literally few seconds! ok ard 2 mins... painless 2 minutes...
Megan was brought to me while the sewing action continues below. One look at her and I am in love... SSSSSSSSOOO good looking! Allow me to somewhat elaborate on this stunning realisation. There is me and there is Ken. So where did all these good looks on Megan come from? Wow... Really, Megan's good looks was quite a revelation!
ok, back to the moment - I was expecting a bluish green infant with a winkled pent up face, knotted forehead and tightly closed eyes letting out the "gek for 10 months" first cry/scream/wail... come on, in reality, who says newborns jus out of the womb are a sweet sight to behold? Most of my friends needed weeks to months before they develop love for their initally "ugly" babys.
But Megan is clean, pink, calm and super alert with big earnest eyes! Cleft is minimium. Actually what cleft? hardly notice anything.. forgive me if I indulge in my praise of my Megan (I mean now and numerous times later in this and future blogs). I wonder if Megan is truly this much prettier than all other babies we know of or we have simply succomb to the "my baby is SSSOOO cute" symdrome. We know what you are thinking - yes she is indeed the prettiest, thank you v much...
Megan was automatically taken to ICU due to cleft and did not follow us to the ward. Ken filled me in with all the baby details, photos, videos. By late afternoon, ICU basically sent Megan back, quoting that she is more than doing fine and does not require any intensive care. Cool! This story is getting better and better!
On my side, I was bracing up for the epidural to wear off. 2 hrs. 6 hrs, 8 hrs.... still no pain settling in. WOW. Scheduled to take solid food only on the second day but nurses tot otherwise. So I was eating, drinking, chatting, playing with baby and getting bored from not enough action on Day One. My in laws were most concerned and busied themselves with brewing red date tea and fish bone soup for me. SKII miracle water for rosy cheeks? No need.
We were too hyper to sleep that nite... wrong move because KK strongly recommended Megan to room in with us on the second day and nite so that we can be familiarised with looking after her. The smiling nurses are only a button press away anyway. "You must try", they say. We bought into their sales pitch and life literally changed 180 degrees from that point onwards.

Megan's A - Z Animal Chart

Finally completed!!! I am so happy...Now here goes, introducing the first 26 washable felt toys YY sews for Megan's Animal Alphabet Chart

A for Alligator (Yes not crocodile, Megan learns chim words)

B for Bear (Ken says this is him!)

C for Cow (Mimi's Fav)

D for Duck (ok, I designed this as a Bird but everyone picked this up and go quack quack... I get it- change to Duck, easy)

E for Elephant

F for Frog (dun it remind u of the sakea sushi frog?)

G for Giraffe (cute loh this one)

H for Hippo

I for Iguana (Kinda like how this turns out)

J for Jellyfish (My fav coz its so simple to do)

K for Kangeroo

L for Lion

M for Moose (This was the Deer which no one recognised so its now a Moose)

N for Newt (too lazy to do the fourth leg.. anyway I think newt can regenerate its missing limbs rite?)

O for Owl

P for Penguin

Q for Quail

R for Rabbit (Florence say it looks so sad)

S for Sheep

S for Snail (ai? why I do double Ss?)

T for Turtle (I know Dolly, you wanted me to sew the other turtle because that looks like a friend for the penguin. BUT turtle is ME!!! I dont want to be the friend of the penguin...)

U for Unicorn (The imaginary animal)

V for Vulture

W for Whale (The first animal I sewed - Ken calls him, Heli the Whale with the helicoper wings)

X for Xray fish (Jess suggested to just do an Xmas tree if we cant find an animal for X. The convincing reason she is going to give Megan is - Its Xmas, all the animals are on holiday so no need to learn any animal for X!!! - I have to admit, I love your logic, no wonder we are friends...)

Y for Yak

Z for Zebra

The Makings of the Animal Chart

He pointed to the blank wall in Megan's room and said "will look great if we hang a colrful alphabet chart there..." Sure my love, looks to be Project Number Two for YY!! I will do an animal alphabet chart for Megan. Better than anything the shop sells... First, draw out the animals! Then take the drawings to people who actually knows how to sew felt toys since I have never done these stuff before. Rumour has it that Jess knows... Soon, everyone along Legal Lane got involved... One great thing about girlfriends is that they can all get excited with you on craft projects... Suddenly Project Two becomes very exciting.

First question everyone asked is if I drew these animals myself. The answer is Yes. Are the designs all original? Yes and No. I researched online on the images of the animals to check out what is the most distinct and easy to draw profile. Then I will sketch out a few possible profiles in the actual scale of the stuffed toy to gauge cuteness and if they will be easy to cut and sew. Galfriends choose their most preferred sketch and those usually will be the chosen one. 

With 26 alphabets and many gals, it can get very confusing. Dolly rooted on Penguin and Jess wanted Panda. Cindy suggested Vixen while Dolly prefers Veal (once an animal too u know). No one likes Iguana and since they are all IJ gals, they demanded IJ gal!!! *faint* But we really have fun, I must say...

Sometimes, inspiration comes from toys in my room! Was cutting the felt for my zebra when I saw the wooden zebra toy Ming gave me sitting on my shelf. So much cuter than my original. Mai tu liao. COPY. Trace on butter paper, tag onto 2 pieces of felt, cut and sew. Excuse me, all the stripes are sewn on, not glued on ok! Add beads for eyes, wool for hair, stuff the body with foam and TADA!!! One animal is completed... 25 more to go!!! On a free day, I can make approx 5 stuffed toys... animals like Giraffee or Zebra with too much details will take much longer.

With all the animals completed... within 2 weeks! Great job YY!!... now comes the second part - doing the A-Z chart to house all the animals. The idea is for me to ask Megan during one of our play times - "Megan, where does Giraffe go?" And Megan will take the Giraffe and velcro it to R... "Good gal, now Whale??"...

We went to Spotlight to buy fabric for the A-Z and the fabric chart... Man, I hate that place... messy and confusing, why cant Spore open better craft shops (like Queen's street???). Why didnt I have a collection/ a secret stash of bits and pieces of fabric/ribbons/strings? Sigh...

Time to consult the guru for the actual A-Z chart construction. Instead of velcro, Mimi suggested animals returning back to their homes/ nests/ caves/kennels etc.... At different age, I can use the chart to teach Megan different aspects of the animals...wow! "Megan, which home does the Doggie go back to? Yes Kennel.. Lion? Cave.. Good Job..." Fantastic idea mum, my heart is with you... but time is running out since one more week I am popping... We simplify the chart construction and hey guys... that will be in the next blog... Wait and see!