March is a month of Reflection

Run out of the cave, run out of your hole! 

Bear, Rabbits and little Moles 

Hatch from your eggs in threes!

The Bugs are back with the Bees.

The Flowers bloom when the Grass is green.

How ever do they know it’s Spring?

“Quick! The Bear is here, now don’t slack!”

And all the Fish swam, like on a racetrack.

Bears, Rabbits and Bees,

Grass, Flowers and Trees,

They feel the warmth of the Sun.

And that’s when they know that Spring has come!

Meggie submits a poem for competition. Morgie compliments with an art work – Spring is here!

March is a month of reflection plus an embarrassing amount of celebrations and merrymaking. But I am getting ahead of myself… let’s start the blog from the beginning of 2022.

Mr Morg in Primary 1!!!! Finally. I hate to be cliche but I was absolutely emo seeing my little boy all grown up. Waah!!!! Dead pan look from Megan. Pull yourself together mummy!

The past 6 years have been a confusing and often depressive search for a diagnosis and decisive action plan for Morgie.  Starting from Day 3 of his birth, suspected of hearing losses in both ears, we went through multiple specialists and with help from many family and friends pulled through mind blogging logistics.

Rotated through three psychologists for his multiple and multiplying issues. Can’t eat, can’t write, can’t hear, can’t talk, can’t focus, autism, ADHD etc. Endless conditions observed, 360 degree directions given, 100% work on caregivers.

His first psychologist was imposed onto us by the Institution for early intervention. Morgan was ready clientele in their database (of wrong diagnosis). Shaming and guilt tripping were deployed heavily to ensure we parents, do our best so that our kids are not "left behind", dragging down the whole Singapore cohort. After showing the institution our middle finger (regretfully a bit late), we engaged a freelancer psychologist who turned to be a fraud. Ha!

OK, one last psychologist just to write a deferment letter. Morgan was evaluated (again) but this time, I was briefed on a very different diagnosis - Morg has superior VSI, FSI, WMI, high average VCI but jialat jialat PSI.

Meaning? We just want a normal functioning life for our son, hopefully in a mainstream school…

Explanation – Good news is, Morgie has superior full scale IQ of 131. Bad news is, he displays very weak processing speed, everything is jammed up at some bottleneck in his brain. The standard way of engagement and learning does not work. We have to find new ways and the clock is ticking. And of course, Morgie may well be on the spectrum, which does not mean anything since everything is on a spectrum. 

We literally start all over again. Changed 5 preschools and 3 speech therapists. I can never forget feeding Morgan his lunch in cabs, while swallowing warm tears because we were stuck in massive traffic jams due to traffic accidents. Stressing over $5 for every minute loss in therapy time. Expensive. Therapies are expensive.

So expensive is everything that I eventually take matters in my own hands. Whatever the therapist touches on, I will expand the syllabus. Learning to converse? I can draw him a book with speech bubbles to give him the basic words to kick start different life scenarios. Whatever I see relevant from OT Toolbox, Autism and ADHD webpages, I can turn into games and activities - learn cause and effect, the different basic human emotions, hand eye coordination etc. 

We are by no means the only parents who exhaust ourselves for our children with special needs. I have many friends who do more just to give their kids a normal childhood. Many tears and many joys. Now, Morgan is Primary One in a mainstream school. 

Now. 2022. I receive letters from Morgan – the boy with problems gripping, writes "I really miss you, mum". (though Megan clarifies that he actually misses my phone. If I come back from Dubai earlier, my phone comes home earlier too)

Now. 2022. Every time I ask him to stop youtube, I can hear “我不可以，我肚子痛, I will be devastated, destroyed, ruined, exterminated, broken, crushed, damaged, drowned….” The boy who could only engage in echolalia, now reserves his vocabulary for more irritating ventures.

Except for the non stop yapping from him, there is general peace in the household. Ken, on his continuous improvement plan, striving for his Shuhari de Ri. I, in my ikigai mode with everything in moderation – no unhappiness of scarcity, no discomfort of excess. Too satisfied with the Now to dwell on the future or use my brain for anything new. 2022 with Netflix has been good enough, so far... 

I ask Megan what she aspires to become – Rich? Pretty? Knowledgeable? Resourceful? Kind? Popular? Brave? etc?

“Kind? Not really, more like helpful and generous. Independent yes. No, not popular please. Oh I want to be Cool!!!”

Independent. Good. Petrol is expensive these days. 

To be Cool. Now, now, now, isn't that my forgotten lifelong pursuit!!! Back in the old days, to be cool was to upgrade from people watching in the canteen to developing deep consideration to the masses by pretending you notice yet didn’t notice your hundreds of admirers looking at you. Please, people, this is not some mental self indulgence game. This is the perfect awareness of self and the environment. 

You cannot appear too deliberate. You cannot be too slack. Think Goldilocks – everything must be JUST RIGHT! At the right moment, your hair falls casually and frames your profile at your best angle. You silently curse that hot sun (aiyah hair sticks to your neck). But the cool breeze will nonchalantly flutter the few strands loose. Perfect. This is the epitome of Cool… Breeze? Breeze. Now please. Breeze… 

Oh Come on! Breeze. NOW!

Honestly, my dear daughter, of all aspirations, you have chosen a hard one. But a worthwhile pursuit it is. Daddy and me are 100% supportive. 

Being Cool is to be the Ri in Shuhari because nobody will perceive a dumbass cool even if he/she has the looks. Only when you are a master of your own craft can you casually display that very subtle Art of graceful, non-striving demeanor. The hardworking model student image is out because a linear studious path is utmost uncool (from the looks of crispy pages of all your textbooks, reckon you know this well enough). One has to be a non-conformist and having a detached style matters. Just ask me, I have decades of experience being cool. Or rather......

Maybe I lost it many years back. Someone called me an auntie yesterday. Reflect. Reflect. Sigh... Yes, it is time for me to get back into the game. Ken's gonna be left behind eating dust again but he will understand as I need to walk this path with my dear Megan now. 

A deep self reflection is in order. Give me a while to get myself back in my element folks… I will be back. 

2022 New Year Post

Editing this blog to arm-twist my Ah-So-Reflective-Year-End-Recap into a perky 2022 post bursting with positivity. This is why I cannot have a job in editorial, will miss all the deadlines. Blame it on rainy days, I get all stoned out.

Avici Hell : Continuous Hell. Time with no interruption. Hell of incessant suffering.  Happy New Year Everyone!!!! Happy 2^nd Covid Anniversary Everyone!

I know the drill. Long nights with chills, fever, aches and labored breathing. If this is a chronic pain, one can totally understand why euthanasia should be legalized. Thank you for comforting me that MOE is pushing you teachers for the 4^th jab while I am trying to survive this booster… Urghhh… Is there no end in sight?

Last post of 2021. Nothing new to talk about since most events are recycled. Stale news that leave a bad taste in your mouth. Ok, better than no taste at all. Brand New Year brings renewed hopes and wishes!!!! Stop laughing, can’t you see I am trying down here…

FIL is unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer in 2021. He has always been healthy so this comes as a shock. Good news that he is responding extremely well to treatment. My heart goes out to Kenneth, who takes up all the extra things life throws at him…. I want to say all the burdens aged him but this man comes out looking ridiculously younger and younger!!! (Darling, that is no mask acne. That is puberty induced pimples ready to burst but your pores are too fine, they are simply trapped.) Sigh…I always know I married a younger man. I just never know how young…

Health has never feature so prominently in our lives but after the scare, heath screenings and exercise become our highlight for Q4. Kenneth literally rejuvenates himself back into his early 30s - tip top condition with a butt like granite. Cover the head and you have fashion model material no doubt.

Hi Chloe Ting. Love you. 

I try to play catch up. As always. Hence my best investment ever - Apple watch. Unlike some 自我感觉良好 dude who laughs at my NO GAPS, my Apple watch is endearing and ever so encouraging – “it’s ok, today is a fresh start”, “you can still do it”….

Praises and encouragements always work. I witness myself bounce bounce bounce after the $10 carrot that AIA and Lumi Health dangles in front of me weekly. Amazing how a little cash can incentivize clogged fats to HEY MOVE IT, DON’T BLOCK THE ARTERY TO PROSPERITY.  

Learned that humans, at age 40+, that is us, are at the rock bottom of our happiness index curve. I give this statistic a very serious thought since Ken escapes the curse by growing backwards. What can I do? Luckily being Pisces, I live half my life in the clouds so reality is but an alternative to the unlimited possibilities of my fantasyland. Hence I totally fail to grasp the shit I am suppose to be in. What is there to worry at my age?

Until…

Megan’s Chinese teacher calls me on her poor Chinese and HCL results…

Conclusion.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Dunno No Evil. Chilled parenting is clearly a result of not knowing anything.

But now the parent knows. **POOF**… Fantasy land gone. Well, we din just land smack right into earth since the gates of Hell has just been flung wide open… WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DUNNO THIS WORD??!!! Needless to say, I level up into a rage mum real quick. Welcome to this new specimen of an angry Singaporean Chinese mother if you have never seen one.

Not proud of my profane absurdities to the stupidity of THIS SIMPLE SENTENCE ALSO CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HAVE U BEEN DOOOOINGGGG…. can be heard in one explosive and passionate howl 2 blocks away… Ok I said all these in Mandarin since activation of Project Chinese Improvement Plan aka CIP, I became exclusively Channel 8.

Hey Morgi... Good job on the Chinese Calligraphy, you are not in trouble... YET... Your turn will come... soon...

I am not a mindless screaming machine. I do feel bad. After every screaming session, I say yes to more play dates and book more activities. 21 outings in 31 days of Dec. Mind-blowing feat…

Scold Scold Scold. Play Play Play. The cycle of dichotomy needs to break because we can never outlast a Zoomer. It is not so much that scolding is tiring but CIP generates so much 作文造句 that need marking, explaining, corrections!!! Easy to say go 造句”丰富“, harder to determine if 妈妈煮了丰富的午餐is correct, or is it 丰盛的午餐??? Ah my Chinese isn’t that great either. Damn. I need to think this over.

Grandmas* teaching granddaughters Chinese… how… sweet…

Ok we have our fair share of fun in 2021. We pay for our first mahjong lesson (receive lifetime supply of scoffs and eye rolls from relatives and friends, will never hear the end of it) Yes Yes, unbelievable state of affairs for a Chinese. Yes Yes Yes. But it is so much fun. We need to will buy a set of mahjong tiles soon!

End of 2021 sees bestie and me colliding with an elderly cyclist in the park. Facing the shaken auntie with bleeding lips siting on the ground, we were practically useless. You think you know how to react in a crisis but even a small accident; my best performance is to hold out a tissue and ask, “are you ok” repeatedly. Face Palm.

Even today, I exchange occasional watsapps with her husband, receiving news that auntie is back in hospital again for headaches. Not good. I am concerned about them yet they are concerned about us. Uncle keeps telling me that it is nobody’s fault, rejecting our offer to pay for medical expenses and telling me no need to visit, so mafan. What is an appropriate course of action from me? I am so used to Problem, Action, Case Close… This is uncomfortably different for me.  

And you know what? While revisiting this post, I realize I may not be the stronger one needing to provide help. They are also not frail and weak, helpless without my intervention. I got it all wrong. This is not about me and what I can do for them to selfishly make myself feel better. It is about listening , giving consideration to their need for space and respecting their perspective of the accident. 

No need for excessive action to guilt trip myself  and guilt trip others. Uncle is right. “we can just be friends”. So to my 2 new elderly friends in the South-East, thank you for showing me that naturalness is indeed the most appropriate way to approach life. It has been wonderful to know you both. 

And in the meantime, life with m&m continues. We planted two trees and they are going to grow up strong and healthy alongside with us… Welcome 2022. We are looking forward. 

*Outsourcing enables higher happiness index through lower involvement and lower blood pressure, which benefits both providers and end users, leading to increase employment and diversity in opportunities. 

Fifty Shades of Boredom

Yes that is was me. 

Once upon a time, the universe was filled with wonder. Then came humans who managed to invent Boredom. One and a half years of CB, CCB, HA, HAHA has taught me that I am but a human being. 

Tick Tick Tick Tick, the hands of the clock goes round and round... It is end of September. 

Social Gathering

When your idea of meeting up with friends materialized as Soon Kueh masterclass with Mimi or Mooncake Making Session with MIL, you know you are clearly in the realm of auntiehood.

When time becomes a long and mundane stretch, they throw in a festival. A perfect excuse and chance to break the monotony and bake your own mooncake. Hours go by amidst the happy chatter and they actually look and taste good! We need more festivals. 

Once in a blue moon, and this woman does not follow any routine, mimi makes soon kueh. Best in Singapore and some say JB, nobody can argue this fact. When she suddenly says ok, let's do this two weeks later, the masses dutifully apply for leave and at 9am sharp, arrive at my house. 

My mum. Her life is even more eventful than mine. When I want to meet her, I gatecrash her social gatherings, if not I cannot get a slot in. That busy woman. 

Sourdough

Take the leap. Despite being a miserable baker, I plunge into baking sourdough from scratch (starter from Lily). Life is really not that complicated. Magic happens when you mix flour and water together. 

This strange starter thing. Feed water and flour and it will raise to three times the volume in two hours. Watching it is exactly the same feeling as watching paint dry. My life is interesting again. 

I finally know why this is called an artisan bread. There is no hard and fast rules and you have to know your starter, dough and oven intimately. I love it, taste great even when I forget to add salt 50% of the time! It helps a lot that Ken and my FIL savor it so something to do on the weekends. Not chasing the big bubbles but the aesthetic whore in me cannot let go of how ugly my bread looks.  Time to invest in a brand new oven, bread stone, banneton, razor blade… and many many more wholegrain flour, cheese, jam, nuts, seeds etc…

Food for the Soul

I try, I really do. Ken reads when he cannot sleep. Five pages in and he is in slumber land. I read for pleasure. This stack has been beside my bed for months. One chapter in and I rotate to another book... I now know why Megan sighs and say she has nothing to do when she has 16 untouched library books on her shelves. 

Opium is not addictive enough. Bourdain's humor has waned on me. The book on myself is too thick. I am, I admit, I am distracted... by...

Him

Isn’t this the most mesmerizing face in the history of mankind… I binge watch Flower of Evil twice, late into the nights. 

Yes, my figure is pear shaped, my patchy face dehydrated and eyes swollen from crying too much watching his shows. But who cares since I am not going into office. This is the few benefits of HAHA. 

Still, I drag myself out of bed daily, walk that extra mile to hit 10,000 steps, plank the extra 10 seconds just because I cannot, simply cannot present this drum of a rotund body, flabby arms and bouncy thighs to him. Imagine we pass each other by on the streets one day. We may just become fast friends when our eyes meet. 

This scene is so vivid in my mind. Except that the visuals of him and me (urghh)… so wrong. Step up on the exercise YY. Chance favors the prepared mind, face and body. 

M&M??? Oh, they are well and alive. 

My Queen of Lego does it again. This girl is excellent in visualizing 3D forms. This time on the theme of Tokyo Olympics 2020.

Tokyo Olympics is actually more interesting than what I thought...

 In the spectator stand, social distancing happens to mark the iconic golden age of Covid. 

Pole Vault is the most breath taking event we watched. OMG this young talented Armand Duplantis makes vertical accent looks like a piece of cake! 

The absolute best commentary of 2020 Tokyo Olympics must be for the men's hurdles. This crazy year of record breaking... 

Diving

Table Tennis

In hindsight, maybe the Olympics is the best thing that happens. We absolutely need it. To see the strength, spirit and hope in these athletics giving their very best. Of course, juxtaposed with the ugliness of politics and media portrayal of the event.. We live in an ugly ugly era.

Oh yah, this project needs special mention. 

Mr Morg keeps asking me for rose and mint to make perfume (!!??). Not spending money on flowers when one can pick lots of fallen ones in Bishan Park.

This is a perfect example of ill-conceived projects when the heart is not in it. Morgan says we need alcohol to soak the flowers, I recall Patrick Suskind infusing the scent with oil. Anyway, not a lot of choices here since olive oil is the only thing I have, so we wash, peel, soak and wait. So exciting right?

Lesson number one: Plan

Lesson number two: Pick flowers that have a scent in the first place. Now I cannot tell if the perfume project is successful or not because after a week, I whiff and whiff and can only smell nature…. and olive oil.

No perfume, but we live happily ever after... (in fifty shades of boredom)

The End.