We finally got rid of Fraud

We all heard of horror stories about helpers. Well, this is not one of them, though I also finally got rid of mine after 3 months. Hurray!!! Way too long, Ken would say. Should have returned her after 2 weeks. This blog is about the hilarious story of our now ex-helper. Let’s call her Fraud. 

Fraud came as an experienced ex SG helper, scoring a 4 on GHW. However, within a few days, we realized she does not know how to use a tablecloth. She belongs to the generation where wet tissue and kitchen towels are used for everything. My environmentally sustainable home practices went down the drain the first day Fraud appeared. High wastage, low results is her specialty. Water bills shot through the roof and our house has never been dirtier in the last decade. Yet, she scored herself 8/10 for her nonexistence hygiene level, hence Ken aptly nicknamed her Fraud. 

Anyway, I am not complaining about housework. Fraud's ultra gigantic unique problem is : 

Fraud would send us off at the door with a radiant smile every morning with “Bye Bye. Be careful! Oh Mdm, you look so pretty today…” LOVE LOVE LOVE (Korean heart sign), First sign of cringe. 

Daily messages reminding me to eat lunch in office and “good night, sweet dreams” messages when I closed the bedroom door at night. Every few days, she would hold my hand and swing them left and right, in her cutest voice shrilled, “I luvvvvve it here, I so happy, I will do everything for you!”… … “Mdm, you look tired, I give you massage” … … “Mdm, I made herbal tea for you…” 该做的不做，不该做的，通通要表现

Fraud loved to share international news with us, interrupting our WFH with “Sir!!! Taiwan earthquake today! The news say blah blah blah”. If I ignore the existence of Morgi loh, she will be the most attention seeking person I have ever met. “Mdm, can you show me how to cut an apple?”… …  ” Mdm, can you show me how to cut an orange?” 看我！看我！

Breaking News – Fraud accidently cut her finger on a protruding metal on the rack. Dramatic girly high pitch wail, followed by sounds of scrambling feet to every room in the house to announce this epic historical event. With her finger held up, squeezing all the blood she can squeezed from the cut for us to see - “Look, look I cut my finger! Come Mdm, look, the metal here, I cut my finger here! Look Sir… Ouufhhhh… I cut my finger! I cut my finger!!!” 

That was nothing compared to the time I offered Fraud a herbal lozenge for her cough. She gingerly popped it into her mouth and immediately jumped round the whole house fanning her mouth, “Ohhh Ahhhh Woooo spicy SPICY woooooahhhhh coooo” … … 10 mins later…. Still jumping around… still Woooo Ahhhh Urhhhhh Ahhh… (please imagine my face during the whole episode)

Within a few weeks, Ken claimed he just wanted to slap her face. But I have invested time and effort training her on housework with mark improvements so I felt it was salvagable. Maybe some guys just don’t dig cute girls (look at who he married)

The last straw for me came after 4 weeks, I told Fraud off for yet another sloppy work and Lo and Behold!!! Her Pathetic Act is The Real Master Class!!! Fraud immediately went from kawaii sailor moon mode into timid mouse + early onset Parkinson disease - both hands in front of her shivering and trembling non-stop. And I do mean non-stop… 

By week 6, I was exhausted. She zapped all my energy yet everyday continued to seek me out for more 看我！看我！爱我！M&M both took to shutting their doors because her constant self-soothing giggles every 30 mins interval became too overwhelming.  

I spoke to Fraud requesting demanding her to behave like a normal human being. She looked at me as if I accused her of destroying Planet Bimbibo with her Pink Ladies Freezing Kiss Move! I had to re-enact how she skipped instead of walk and how she collapsed onto the floor at the main door after marketing as examples of not so normal behavior. She was crushed. I have deprived her of her only known identity across the whole Adorable Spectrum. 

Called the Agent to counsel Fraud about her newly adopted Depressed mode (after cute rejected). Agent went “OMG so irritating, you should just replace her!”. Colleagues all laughed at my weekly helper shenanigans. Everyone told me Fraud is mental, please replace her. OK, I told Agent - Get me a replacement. Which led to Ken being totally pissed with me “I TOLD YOU!!! I told you she is mentally unstable since week 2, you refused to listen! Now your girlfriends say the same thing and you act!...

Even sending her off was high drama. She called Home Shelter (apparently to ensure she will get a free ticket home - But she wants to go Bali instead). Looking back, Fraud will do an excellent job looking after elderly. She will be the long-lost granddaughter the grandparents never have. 

The day Agent called my office to tell me Fraud went crazy; I cabbed home, told Fraud to pack up, Ken was (hahaha) stuck in US because of tropical storm turned Cat 5 Hurricane Beryl, sleeping in hotel lobbies, power cuts, water cuts etc, airport chaos and multiple flight cancellations. 

He remotely participated in the "sending off at the agency" saga, texting me if I was stressed. Oh please, just another day of live entertainment, one ear listening to shoutings in Bahasa, one eye on my Pokémon because its community day and I need that special move. 

The two weeks without helper and Ken. OMG so peaceful + Power Mama activated. Ultra excited to cook once again for the kids. Not too shabby as I have my sous chef and chef de partie on the kitchen team. Batch cook lasagna and all the easy to cook dishes for dinner. 

I even manage to impress myself with my ability to outsource housework to M&M. Morg was assigned breakfast and lunch dishwashing duties, Megan on dinner shift. But the latter is way too anal, dismantling everything into parts to wash and honestly I do not need things THAT clean... Even her meticulous bed and kitchen wipe down is top notch but after a while slack off. As the older sister, she is efficient, wasting no time ordering Morg to stop whining! A great no. 2 to have. 

House is even cleaner after Ken returned home because he took over his fav mopping while I concentrate on my fav ironing. Ordered Tingkat to lessen cooking needs and though the days are more tiring, we realized this is all very doable. No maid (for a while), no biggie. Somehow everyone did their bit and made this transitional phase look easy peasy. Ken and I are honestly so proud of ourselves and the kids for our flexibility to changes. 

Neo Garden tingkat is really good

In the meantime, MOM, please quickly approve our old kat kat to come back. Given a choice I prefer drinking wine at mad charcoal, going for facial, Netflixing and long bitching sessions with friends… 

My Knee Surgery

Half a year is gone and the biggest event of the past 6 months is my knee operation.

Everybody, stop asking me what happened to my knee. It’s old age… which none of you believe, thank you very much. Actually what happened was… Once upon a time, I hiked down a mountain (60,000 steps) with an ex ex ex ex by the name of… oh nvb. (Cue Ken’s sarcastic laugher “you have so many ex meh”)

Seriously, boys love to bring me climbing steps.

Even my favourite son drew a comic adventure of him and me climbing to the roof top to view the beautiful sky and enjoy a picnic together. I was pressured to live out his comic as he excitedly packed snack boxes, towels etc. How to say no when your knee hurts but your charming son stretched out his hand and assure you it’s ok, let’s hold hands so that you would not fall behind? He still visited his upstairs neighbors along the way to announce his voyage and received ice cold Milo!!! Check out his happy face.

But I digress.

My surgery is called Arthroscopic Caapsulorrhaphy, Patella Realignment and Cartilage Repair. Hmmm, why so long, I thought it was to regenerate my gone case meniscus. Recovery will be way longer than my mum’s total knee replacement, Dr Chia warned.

First 2 weeks, do nothing. Don’t move. Life was not too bad when painkillers were not sending me down in a dizzy spin. Spent my weeks painting bouquets of flowers relatives and friends sent over. So sweet. People know I 花痴.

More love came in the form of honey cakes, orange chiffons and Mad Charcoal’s 以型补形’s fowl leg and cod fish to 补 everywhere. Though I prefer you sending more of your homemade herrings over.

Ken said the circumference of my flabby arm just got bigger, igniting the anger of my twin sista in Spain to snap back with “he has problems with his eyes!” Thanks Vic, unfortunately Ken made that comment after rounding his fingers on my arms, not using his eyes for measurement.

On a great note, I lost 4kg after the op.

Things I realized after this operation:

1.     Real pain does not come immediately. Wait for it.

Mine started on Week 3, (first time out of house) for stitch removal. That short trip in clutches broke me. Absolute exhaustion.

Both legs on fire! Right leg felt like some wooden log fused with highly sensitive nerves being struck by continuous bolts of lighting. 5mins of “walking”, I was drenched in cold sweat and the whole world spun. I know this feeling! Exactly like how I felt after my Sec Four 2.4km Nafa. Just want to lie down and die.

Physio was rather stunned to see how pale I looked and how long I took to recover from panting at week 4. After inspecting my knee, she asked “your knee seems ok, you never exercise in your life izzit?”. Oh… is that why I feel so faint!!

Arms in pain

A knee problem yet my arms were paying the price. Clutches were designed as torture devices for arms and palms. PAIN!!!!!!! To move or not to move. It was a question I struggled with every day. Both arms in protest.

Try drinking soup or eating a spoonful of food from an uncontrollable shaking hand. Not much nutrients could reached the mouth. Another reason why I lost 4kg.

Everyone on the street walked too fast

I used to complain about people not moving to the pace of CBD. Made the mistake of booking physio at mid day and OMG the lunch crowd! Everyone walked at top speed and nobody was looking front. Such violent mass motion freaked the hell out glacier me. Even with clutches + I was sticking to the wall as close as possible; I had low confidence people will not knock into me. Scary.

Un-Shareability of Pain

     We lack the ability to express and decipher pain. This is a big problem as pain is real YET invisible to the person next to you. Morg complained of chest pain and blacked out after an accident at the pool. At A&E, he was dancing and eating and still claim his pain is at 9.9! WTH. I was certain I was in more pain dragging my swollen knee after him in the ambulance. (Though the parting of vehicles in front of the ambulance made for an amusing ride) 

      3 inches shorter

I did not anticipate myself to be 3 inches shorter after a knee repair. Ridiculously long process to get back to my high heels (still not happening) and it remains disturbing to visually seeing a squashed version of myself in sneakers daily. Ouch.

3 months now and I am starting to do weighths and taking charge of my fitness. Knee feels stronger. Better than ever, here I come.