We finally got rid of Fraud

We all heard of horror stories about helpers. Well, this is not one of them, though I also finally got rid of mine after 3 months. Hurray!!! Way too long, Ken would say. Should have returned her after 2 weeks. This blog is about the hilarious story of our now ex-helper. Let’s call her Fraud. 

Fraud came as an experienced ex SG helper, scoring a 4 on GHW. However, within a few days, we realized she does not know how to use a tablecloth. She belongs to the generation where wet tissue and kitchen towels are used for everything. My environmentally sustainable home practices went down the drain the first day Fraud appeared. High wastage, low results is her specialty. Water bills shot through the roof and our house has never been dirtier in the last decade. Yet, she scored herself 8/10 for her nonexistence hygiene level, hence Ken aptly nicknamed her Fraud. 

Anyway, I am not complaining about housework. Fraud's ultra gigantic unique problem is : 

Fraud would send us off at the door with a radiant smile every morning with “Bye Bye. Be careful! Oh Mdm, you look so pretty today…” LOVE LOVE LOVE (Korean heart sign), First sign of cringe. 

Daily messages reminding me to eat lunch in office and “good night, sweet dreams” messages when I closed the bedroom door at night. Every few days, she would hold my hand and swing them left and right, in her cutest voice shrilled, “I luvvvvve it here, I so happy, I will do everything for you!”… … “Mdm, you look tired, I give you massage” … … “Mdm, I made herbal tea for you…” 该做的不做，不该做的，通通要表现

Fraud loved to share international news with us, interrupting our WFH with “Sir!!! Taiwan earthquake today! The news say blah blah blah”. If I ignore the existence of Morgi loh, she will be the most attention seeking person I have ever met. “Mdm, can you show me how to cut an apple?”… …  ” Mdm, can you show me how to cut an orange?” 看我！看我！

Breaking News – Fraud accidently cut her finger on a protruding metal on the rack. Dramatic girly high pitch wail, followed by sounds of scrambling feet to every room in the house to announce this epic historical event. With her finger held up, squeezing all the blood she can squeezed from the cut for us to see - “Look, look I cut my finger! Come Mdm, look, the metal here, I cut my finger here! Look Sir… Ouufhhhh… I cut my finger! I cut my finger!!!” 

That was nothing compared to the time I offered Fraud a herbal lozenge for her cough. She gingerly popped it into her mouth and immediately jumped round the whole house fanning her mouth, “Ohhh Ahhhh Woooo spicy SPICY woooooahhhhh coooo” … … 10 mins later…. Still jumping around… still Woooo Ahhhh Urhhhhh Ahhh… (please imagine my face during the whole episode)

Within a few weeks, Ken claimed he just wanted to slap her face. But I have invested time and effort training her on housework with mark improvements so I felt it was salvagable. Maybe some guys just don’t dig cute girls (look at who he married)

The last straw for me came after 4 weeks, I told Fraud off for yet another sloppy work and Lo and Behold!!! Her Pathetic Act is The Real Master Class!!! Fraud immediately went from kawaii sailor moon mode into timid mouse + early onset Parkinson disease - both hands in front of her shivering and trembling non-stop. And I do mean non-stop… 

By week 6, I was exhausted. She zapped all my energy yet everyday continued to seek me out for more 看我！看我！爱我！M&M both took to shutting their doors because her constant self-soothing giggles every 30 mins interval became too overwhelming.  

I spoke to Fraud requesting demanding her to behave like a normal human being. She looked at me as if I accused her of destroying Planet Bimbibo with her Pink Ladies Freezing Kiss Move! I had to re-enact how she skipped instead of walk and how she collapsed onto the floor at the main door after marketing as examples of not so normal behavior. She was crushed. I have deprived her of her only known identity across the whole Adorable Spectrum. 

Called the Agent to counsel Fraud about her newly adopted Depressed mode (after cute rejected). Agent went “OMG so irritating, you should just replace her!”. Colleagues all laughed at my weekly helper shenanigans. Everyone told me Fraud is mental, please replace her. OK, I told Agent - Get me a replacement. Which led to Ken being totally pissed with me “I TOLD YOU!!! I told you she is mentally unstable since week 2, you refused to listen! Now your girlfriends say the same thing and you act!...

Even sending her off was high drama. She called Home Shelter (apparently to ensure she will get a free ticket home - But she wants to go Bali instead). Looking back, Fraud will do an excellent job looking after elderly. She will be the long-lost granddaughter the grandparents never have. 

The day Agent called my office to tell me Fraud went crazy; I cabbed home, told Fraud to pack up, Ken was (hahaha) stuck in US because of tropical storm turned Cat 5 Hurricane Beryl, sleeping in hotel lobbies, power cuts, water cuts etc, airport chaos and multiple flight cancellations. 

He remotely participated in the "sending off at the agency" saga, texting me if I was stressed. Oh please, just another day of live entertainment, one ear listening to shoutings in Bahasa, one eye on my Pokémon because its community day and I need that special move. 

The two weeks without helper and Ken. OMG so peaceful + Power Mama activated. Ultra excited to cook once again for the kids. Not too shabby as I have my sous chef and chef de partie on the kitchen team. Batch cook lasagna and all the easy to cook dishes for dinner. 

I even manage to impress myself with my ability to outsource housework to M&M. Morg was assigned breakfast and lunch dishwashing duties, Megan on dinner shift. But the latter is way too anal, dismantling everything into parts to wash and honestly I do not need things THAT clean... Even her meticulous bed and kitchen wipe down is top notch but after a while slack off. As the older sister, she is efficient, wasting no time ordering Morg to stop whining! A great no. 2 to have. 

House is even cleaner after Ken returned home because he took over his fav mopping while I concentrate on my fav ironing. Ordered Tingkat to lessen cooking needs and though the days are more tiring, we realized this is all very doable. No maid (for a while), no biggie. Somehow everyone did their bit and made this transitional phase look easy peasy. Ken and I are honestly so proud of ourselves and the kids for our flexibility to changes. 

Neo Garden tingkat is really good

In the meantime, MOM, please quickly approve our old kat kat to come back. Given a choice I prefer drinking wine at mad charcoal, going for facial, Netflixing and long bitching sessions with friends…