18th Dec 2010 - Megan's One Month

Its official. Today, Megan turns one month and we are having a party. What should she wear? No worries, I am going to groom her to be a SPURS fan, Ken said. A parcel arrived and wow, wat a mega decent Jersey! Only problem is the fabric is not stretchable and Megan's head almost got stuck. I mean it got stuck, for a while at least...

What is a party without invitation cards? Since I have been boring my brains out, might as well do some craft work! I tot my card looks great but he cant tell what the graphic was about. DUH....so not a designer. And of coz, we din manage to send out the cards... hahah...where got time?? This is what you call, make for the sake of making it. Honestly I should set up a shop.

What can I give the little kids who are coming? More felt toys, because my secret stash is limited to daiso felt. Made little pink hearts for the girls and shiny yellow stars for the boys! Filled party packs with sweets and chocolates as well...Hmm... I did mention I was bored right?

Apparently everything was sitting on the table and we forgot to distribute them when guests swarmed in. So sorry if we missed anyone out (your kids I mean). And we have no photo records of the party either coz we were too busy to use the camera. What a waste.

Megan received so many angbaos and presents and got cuddled by (read hijacked) so many caring aunties and uncles that she remains very wide awake that nite. Oh do not misunderstand that I have reservations that Megan was being hijacked around. I WELCOME IT!!! We had a great time unwrapping Megan's gifts the next day! hahaha. I tot baby stuff are generally quite standard but wow some of these stuff are really interesting and "new" to me.

Diaper Cake - Made to look like a cake with diapers as cake fillings. Dresses, mittens, socks and toy as icing and cake deco. Check out the close up "flowers" of the cake, made with rolled up mittens and socks... clever clever.

Luckily we heed Zhihao's advice and not buy baby clothes since many people will give... How true. Megan now at one month has more clothes than me, which totally inspire me to go shopping for myself soon... Love the white dress with pale grey poker dots. Who would have tot my much despised poker dots can look this cool!? And soft pastel pink clothes look so sweet... OK I have decided that pink shall be Megan's new black. Maybe I will buy sum pink dresses myself!!!

I dig this floral flock but when I placed them with the rest of the clothes, it did look on the small side. Better let Megan wear this soon else the lifespan is going to be real short. She will look so sweet!

Oops... hahah sorry, this pose is no good... hahaha *sweat* quite unladylike... oh that stomach 

This photo looks much better...

Bedtime Musical Box - A most intriguing gadget. The sleeping bear on the crescent moon sways about to soft changing lights and lullaby music designed to totally capture the attention of any baby lying in bed but refusing to sleep. Sweet. If the baby still can't be pacified by turning the head away, not a problem. Because it comes with a projector that project a galaxy of moving stars onto the ceiling as well. A design that die die must get the attention. Oh yeah and the images rotate so fast that it is bound to make the kiddo giddy and sedated. Even if she does not sleep, she won't cry..

A box of socks- Extremely fashion! I also wan...

Little Squirts Bath Toys - Never tot that bath toys can be anything other than the yellow rubber duckie. I am blown away with these "think out of the box" rubber ram, rubber bunnie, rubber cow etc... 

The Melt My Heart Shoes -

I mean melt my heart, since Megan is too young to know anything anyway.... Soooo pretty..... Do they come in adult size?

20+ days and counting

Time flies... Megan and my confinement is almost nearing one full month.

No. That statement is half an outright lie. It is 20 plus days and counting but time does not fly. In fact, time has never trickled so slowly in my life.

If every minute of my everyday recurs an infinite number of times, it is a horrifying prospect. And confinement does feel like that with its relentlessness crushing me down, drowning me till I cannot breath. I cannot see the end or most likely I may not make it till salvation comes.

Alright. Above will be how this blog will sound if I were to write this blog during the thick of my confinement but I am actually writing this after the worst is over and feeling quite positive, I cant quite get back to that depressive mood for blogging. DAMN! Not that I wish for a return to one of the most difficult times of my life as it was an emotionally roller coaster ride with few highs but many a times running off rail and crashed into the tree nearby. I simply seek to record the times in its essence.

Friends who have not given birth before always envy the four months mat leave, imaging me flipping magazine and eating chocolates while holding Megan to one breast. Yah rite Buddies! People expect a happy glowing mother and no one talks about the dark side of this responsibility. Only when I probe did most of my galfriends feel resentment.

Now now now... Lets me recall my top 5 confinement lows:

1. Confinement literally
Stuck within a space of 1200sft facing four walls when I am so used to travelling and backpacking is my number one killer. My only window out of this tiny world is the TV which is not showing my fav Air Crash Investigation. Plus there is only this many times one can watch the re-run of House or read how Hatsumomo tried to snub Sayuri. No social interaction damaged my brain cells so much I must have died from boredom over and over again.

2. Breastfeeding
Enough said

3. Unsolicited well meaning advices
Extremely stressful and one is in not much position to brush them off. When the wife is stressed, she gives it to the husband.

4. Confinement Food
Pork, liver, kidney, pancreas, stomach, ginger, soup, fish, apple, wolfbery, red date tea plus funny chicken all cooked with sesame oil (dunno why) repeated in approx 200 dishes over 30 days.

5. Fatigue
No need to explain how lack of sleep further damages brain cells and make me cranky.

Aiyah, I dont like a blog without photos so lets jump straight into the picture gallery!

Looking after a baby is hectic work.

There are of course happy moments. I wont go to the extend to say that a smile from Megan makes everything worth it but Luckily Megan is a sweet baby.

When Megan is wide awake and wants to play, she is quite fun.

Megan getting excited and stretching her lotus root limbs, which is like all the time...Look! Long torso, short legs!

Megan showing off her long tongue. Oh did I mention that the fortune master at KK said that Megan's future career is ideally a judge or a lawyer. Gee... looks like I have been watching too much three kingdom n hanging out with the legal lane people too much during my pregnancy.

The many ways which Megan can sleep - even with her arms frozen in midair.

Megan when she is tired and frowning and I had to wrap her up. I finally understand the true meaning of "a bundle of joy". It literally means that when babies are bundled up and cant move their limbs, limiting their crankiness, they can indeed be quite a joy.

The Little Star

Remember this? A little story I conjure up a few years ago in China? This is for you, once again...

Day and Night and both in love with Shadow.

Day is young, bright and full of life. When Shadow is with Day, Day makes her feel important and prominent. Where there is Day, there is always Shadow. The world cannot help noticing their passionate love and often tease the couple. And for his love, Day shines brighter.

Night on the other hand, is matured, gallant and accommodating. He gives Shadow freedom and makes her laugh. We are one and the same, Night told Shadow... Shadow has never feel more at ease in Night's embrace.

Shadow is in love with both.

Day defines her and gives her presence.

Night allows her to be herself to dance, rest, laugh.

As time goes by, Day could no longer make Shadow happy. The brighter he shines, the smaller Shadow becomes. At times, Shadow hides so well Day can not even find her. Knowing no other way to express his love, Day desperately shines brighter. Shadow longs for Night when she is with Day.

Night gives Shadow all the streets for her to roam. The one thing he cannot give her is recognition. She may be no one special in Night's world, she may merely be one small part in his kingdom of darkness. No one in his world even knows her name. Many times, Shadow sit in the fields waiting for the first ray of light to warm her heart and give her hope.

Time passes slowly and Shadow feels no one can understand her unhappiness. But she is wrong. All along, without Shadow realising, she has the company of a little star high up in the skies. Everything she speaks about, Little Star understands. "I have always been here, day or night...even if you may not always see me, I am always here and have never left u."

My Little Star. You have always been by my side. I may have missed you many a times and make u sad but I know you have never left my side and have been watching over me day and night. My Ming Xing, Happy Wedding Aanniversary.

The many expressions of Megan

Megan is growing bigger and stronger... Wish I could weigh her but my house has no weighing machine... in other news, am not sure how much weight I have lost in this 2 weeks as well...

  

She does not want to sleep in the mornings now, just want to open her big wide eyes to search for someone to play with her.

The house is filling up with so many Megan's little toys and belongings.... Hey guys, dun buy anymore...

Depression

I was pondering over the title of the previous blog - The Truth and Nothing but the Truth... many people who read the blog told me it was really funny and all are happy that I am doing well... Lets just say "the real truth" changes with the ever changing situation that is Life.

Blogging/writing let me sort out my thoughts. I need to rationalise every event from the overwhelming soup in my brain to make writing make sense. Hence as I write, I feel more cheerful knowing that all my problems have been compartmentalised and simplified. From the time I start a blog to the time I finish/post (which may be days later), my mood may already be different from the content. You dont actually want to read about me whine and getting all emo rite?

Being a new mother is mentally and physically tough. No woman other than those who very recently delivered before you will tell you that. Talk to mothers of older kids on difficulty you encounter, their answers will usually be "no leh, I dont have that problem leh". Either these experienced mums have long forgotten what it feels like or .. or watever.... It is distressing and in comparison makes struggling mums like me feel starkly incompetent. Having a new baby is like being thrown into the deep sea which you have to work out how to survive. I worry about Megan not drinking enough, worry about me not producing enough milk to meet her demand, worry about me having enough milk but maybe I am not feeding her properly hence I am taking this long and she continues to cry... try and error try and error.

Breastfeeding Megan is indeed a wonderful bonding experience I value and when its not working well, I actually feel like a failure. Breastfeeding is demanding, time consuming, tiring and difficult difficult difficult. The whole world conspire against non breastfeeding mothers or maybe people like me just feel the guilt of not doing enough.... only good friends will tell u its ok, that kids who grow up with formula are good and healthy as well. only good friends will tell you they face exactly the same difficulties as you, try slowly. Breastfeeding is not without pain. Breast massage before feeding is not without pain. Breast engorgement is not without pain. Pumping is not without pain....

Days with rashes are killing me. They spread with such ferociousity that it is no use pretending to be calm about it. I was desperate for a cure for my itch but every bloodly doctor told me its hormonal and there is nothing to be done so I shall not be a whiner and suck it in... My daily comfort of post nat massage sessions on my ever aching body have to discontinue because massage makes the rashes spread even faster.... As fast as my "disease" come, life's little comforts are taken away from me.... It is hard not to feel depressed...

I am worried about my possible immune system malfunction. It may be a passing phrase or alter my life forever. At this moment I only want my itch and rashes to subside to lift my moods.

A Chinese confinement is not the easiest thing to go through even in a home resort. Well meaning restrictions like no showering, eating only a small range of vegetables, lean pork and pork's kidney, liver and stomach and fish ONLY for the first 12 days, covering up to prevent catching wind etc.. It is not that any single thing is very hard to do or that I disagree with doing them. But when bundled all of them together plus a C sec wound, itchy rashes, fatigue, leaking breasts, blood discharges, managing a baby and movement restricted to an apartment... YES confinement is not easy to go through at all...

Focus on the positive, Everything will pass...

Every small practical tip is a comfort and very much needed. SC has been good to me on this. She will tell me things like this is Megan's expression when she is going to do this. This is how to calm her down... Such is real help I need to build up my confidence to handle the situation.

Friends I have made in the past years became very important source of support. Been there done that friends like B & Stacey are my mental support on a daily basis. I want them to know I need them so much. Con and Andria show me what friends are for in times of need. Others sms and mail frequently to tell me they love me.

I believe I was quite depressed for the past week but I believe I am getting out of it. Post nat depression is very real. Look deeper into a humorous blog on breastfeeding and you can see stress tucked in every paragraph. New mothers to be... relax and chill, dont take things too hard or keep things in...New fathers to be, handle a post nat mother tenderly and brace yourself for hard times as she needs you every support.