Depression

I was pondering over the title of the previous blog - The Truth and Nothing but the Truth... many people who read the blog told me it was really funny and all are happy that I am doing well... Lets just say "the real truth" changes with the ever changing situation that is Life.

Blogging/writing let me sort out my thoughts. I need to rationalise every event from the overwhelming soup in my brain to make writing make sense. Hence as I write, I feel more cheerful knowing that all my problems have been compartmentalised and simplified. From the time I start a blog to the time I finish/post (which may be days later), my mood may already be different from the content. You dont actually want to read about me whine and getting all emo rite?

Being a new mother is mentally and physically tough. No woman other than those who very recently delivered before you will tell you that. Talk to mothers of older kids on difficulty you encounter, their answers will usually be "no leh, I dont have that problem leh". Either these experienced mums have long forgotten what it feels like or .. or watever.... It is distressing and in comparison makes struggling mums like me feel starkly incompetent. Having a new baby is like being thrown into the deep sea which you have to work out how to survive. I worry about Megan not drinking enough, worry about me not producing enough milk to meet her demand, worry about me having enough milk but maybe I am not feeding her properly hence I am taking this long and she continues to cry... try and error try and error.

Breastfeeding Megan is indeed a wonderful bonding experience I value and when its not working well, I actually feel like a failure. Breastfeeding is demanding, time consuming, tiring and difficult difficult difficult. The whole world conspire against non breastfeeding mothers or maybe people like me just feel the guilt of not doing enough.... only good friends will tell u its ok, that kids who grow up with formula are good and healthy as well. only good friends will tell you they face exactly the same difficulties as you, try slowly. Breastfeeding is not without pain. Breast massage before feeding is not without pain. Breast engorgement is not without pain. Pumping is not without pain....

Days with rashes are killing me. They spread with such ferociousity that it is no use pretending to be calm about it. I was desperate for a cure for my itch but every bloodly doctor told me its hormonal and there is nothing to be done so I shall not be a whiner and suck it in... My daily comfort of post nat massage sessions on my ever aching body have to discontinue because massage makes the rashes spread even faster.... As fast as my "disease" come, life's little comforts are taken away from me.... It is hard not to feel depressed...

I am worried about my possible immune system malfunction. It may be a passing phrase or alter my life forever. At this moment I only want my itch and rashes to subside to lift my moods.

A Chinese confinement is not the easiest thing to go through even in a home resort. Well meaning restrictions like no showering, eating only a small range of vegetables, lean pork and pork's kidney, liver and stomach and fish ONLY for the first 12 days, covering up to prevent catching wind etc.. It is not that any single thing is very hard to do or that I disagree with doing them. But when bundled all of them together plus a C sec wound, itchy rashes, fatigue, leaking breasts, blood discharges, managing a baby and movement restricted to an apartment... YES confinement is not easy to go through at all...

Focus on the positive, Everything will pass...

Every small practical tip is a comfort and very much needed. SC has been good to me on this. She will tell me things like this is Megan's expression when she is going to do this. This is how to calm her down... Such is real help I need to build up my confidence to handle the situation.

Friends I have made in the past years became very important source of support. Been there done that friends like B & Stacey are my mental support on a daily basis. I want them to know I need them so much. Con and Andria show me what friends are for in times of need. Others sms and mail frequently to tell me they love me.

I believe I was quite depressed for the past week but I believe I am getting out of it. Post nat depression is very real. Look deeper into a humorous blog on breastfeeding and you can see stress tucked in every paragraph. New mothers to be... relax and chill, dont take things too hard or keep things in...New fathers to be, handle a post nat mother tenderly and brace yourself for hard times as she needs you every support.